


I won't say it

by Sternstunde



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Feel free to correct me, Gen, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Klaus Hargreeves Needs Help, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Suicide Attempt, based of march comes in like a lion a bit i admit, hargreeves sibs and grace and pogo too all need a hug, more or less, or at least portraying klaus and his mind in this, really big on the whole suicide theme, reginalid is a ghost (not like a real one but illusionary) and he still sucks, still learning myself, uses of dark humour, yall have been warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-17 12:25:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18965197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sternstunde/pseuds/Sternstunde
Summary: That morning, Klaus seemed to be more fidgety, more drawn back than usual. Five wrote it off as a bad day. He didn’t realize what a bad day could possibly indicate because he never had to worry about it.Then he noticed that the door was closed.His mind worked too fast.-(Modern and Normal AU)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here we go.
> 
> This fic is inspired by me trying to learn about suicide, but also by the anime/manga "March Comes In Like A Lion" because nothing gets me as much as the portrayal of the main character, Rei, and how he deals with his life in that. 
> 
> This is not a guide nor a truth: It's a fic, keep that in mind, please.
> 
> 1\. This is an AU – none of them have powers and live all normally. Still got some abuse from Reginald (who is dead by now) though, which is why half of those things hurt them so deeply.
> 
> 2\. This follows Klaus on his road to self-peace, as his siblings help him. More or less. 
> 
> 3\. They are not all the same age, and whilst that isn't ultimately important, it needs to be mentioned. Luther and Allison are 21, Diego's 20 and so is Ben, Vanya's 19 and has recently started college (she could have at 18 but didn't for a reason I'll explain later) and both, Five and Klaus are 17, soon turning 18.
> 
> 4\. Which brings me to the next point - Both Five and Klaus are twins (I have decided to do this for entertainment purposes but also to showcase conflicting points between those two better).
> 
> 5\. I'll try to get some vibes as in both, "March Comes In Like A Lion" and "Natsume's Book Of Friends" in. Probably won't succeed, but I'll try anyway. Also for those of you, who aren't that keen on anime, maybe these two gifs will help you make an impression: 
> 
> March Comes In Like A Lion  
> 
> 
> It's about shogi (think of Japanese chess) and the main character, Rei. Many commented with their opinions, that the anime/manga portrayed depression well. Maybe give it a try?
> 
> Natsume's Book Of Friends  
> 
> 
> This is about Natsume, who can see demons. I do admit, this might have been a better fit for a fanfiction where Klaus can see the ghosts, but I choose this anime not because of the demon-seeing thing, but because of Natsume's self-growth shown through the episodes and seasons. This is also worth a try – though it has many seasons, keep that in mind.
> 
> 6\. Chapters are mostly going to be short, snippets of Klaus' thoughts and moments he gathers. There may be a few long chapters if I see it fit. Also, shorter chapters are faster to read and re-read, so why not?
> 
> 7\. Every one of the siblings represents something. I won't tell you in which direction or what until later, though. Have fun with this information.

“The truth is, I didn't know how to stop myself anymore.”

 

“That I didn’t _want_ to stop myself.”

 

* * *

 

It starts with his thoughts, a disconcerting mess of aberrations and omissions – no, that’s too complicated.

 

He doesn’t remember when it all started. He just knows that one day he woke up, and everything felt wrong.

 

Maybe not everything. That’s inaccurate too.

 

It started small, and that’s maybe why he can’t remember much.

 

“Our minds work differently, but they all have a few similarities, you know?”

 

“You're not a therapist,” Klaus mutters exhausted.

 

Five never listens, and he should be used to it by now.

 

He is.

 

He’s also tired.

 

* * *

 

It all starts in winter.

 

He thinks about what he doesn’t want to think and he’s more tired than awake.

 

It starts with a reminder.

 

“You should think about what you want to do, Dear,” his mother says, a kind smile on her face and a cup of hot chocolate in her hands.

 

Klaus blinks, taking a few seconds to remember why and then sighs. College. He’s been too caught up in everything to remember.

 

“Thank you,” he mutters, taking the cup from her hands, then stops, and sighs again, “I’ll do that.”

 

He’s not sure he’ll remember it later, but he wants to reassure her anyway. She doesn’t deserve to see him being even more of a disappointment.

 

At that moment, Five walks in, carrying some books about science.

 

Grace turns to glance at him and scolds him slightly, as she crosses her arms. “Oh, hello, Fievel, you should wear a sweater. It’s cold outside!”

 

“It’s alright. The library’s not that far away, so I didn’t notice the cold,” he mutters, smiling at her.

 

Their mother is the only one who gets to call him Fievel and it’s honestly kind of irritating. Or used to be. Klaus doesn’t want to be an asshole, but even he has to call Five by his nickname, and they are twins!

 

She shakes her head but grins at him. “I’ll go make you a cup of hot chocolate.”

 

“Thanks, Mom.”

 

As she leaves, Five sits down on the couch beside him, books in his lap and hands quivering. Upon seeing his brother’s hands, Klaus reassures himself, that his brother is just one big softie. It’s on days like those that he wonders.

 

His view is always kind of muted like he cannot grasp everything he wants, like there’s just no complete set.

 

It’s always so cold, that even summer is not saved by the warmth even winter cannot provide. He’s on the verge of freezing out, of his thoughts getting lost forever. There are things that cannot be changed and there are things that need to be changed.

 

All his important conversations are on his mind, are cold as the dreaded winter mornings because the nights have always been warm to him.

 

“... Klaus?”

 

His brother is staring at him with something akin to worry and there’s a cyan cup in his hands, probably full of hot chocolate.

 

He feels like there a scratches on his hands, and liquid is running down, beneath his fingers, beneath the broken pieces of his own, green cup.

 

Klaus stares down at the cup and realizes it’s intact.

 

He ignores Five’s pointed gaze and closes his eyes again.

 

There’s just something.

 

One week later he tries to commit suicide.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanya hears it first.
> 
> Five sees it first.

Vanya’s the first – besides Five – of their siblings to find out.

 

She just recently has started college and it’s been though. A lot of assignments, a lot of lessons, a lot of everything.

 

On Thursday though, she gets a call from home.

 

She picks up her phone, not foreseeing just how horrible this call was going to be.

 

“Hello?”

 

Honestly, she thought it was either Ben or Five. They call the most. What she gets is Pogo, their grandfather, telling her in a heavy and tired voice, what she never wants to hear.

 

“Klaus is in the hospital… he tried to commit suicide.”

 

How’s one supposed to react to that?

 

Her eyes are wide and her heart’s beating fast.

 

Something just seems to crash down.

 

Vanya puts the phone down after ending the call and stares at the white wall.

 

She just stands there, staring at the wall.

 

Minutes pass.

 

Then she moves again.

 

* * *

 

Every word is a broken promise.

 

Five’s sitting outside the hospital and looking at the sky. It’s freezing cold but he oddly feels warm. Warm enough to sit around in a shirt without a jacket, without a scarf, without a hat, and without gloves. There’s snow on the ground.

 

How is he not freezing?

 

He can hear rushing steps, can feel the time rush, can feel his heart rush. It’s still warm.

 

“Five!”

 

There’s fright in that voice and as he looks at the approaching person he notices it.

 

The warm jacket, the scarf, the hat, and the gloves.

 

Yet Vanya looks cold.

 

Red cheeks, a frown on her face and her eyes dull.

 

“... Vanya, you’re here,” he mumbles, too tired for this.

 

Too tired for anything.

 

“You… were waiting for me?”

 

“Yeah, so that you didn’t have to search for the room,” he answers.

 

Both know that she could have asked a nurse.

 

Both know that Five usually had better excuses.

 

And whilst Vanya is still uncertain, both know that Five just didn’t want to sit in the same room as his twin.

 

To see the reminder of something unchanging.

 

Five was the one found the body.

 

He wonders what would have happened if he didn’t.

 

The answer is so clear though.

 

* * *

 

Five’s the one who found the body.

 

It was supposed to be a normal day, a day just like any other day.

 

He was working on some equations and reading through his newly purchased chemistry books.

 

Klaus was taking a bath which wasn’t unusual. That guy lived for his baths.

 

But then two hours have passed and their mother walked into his room, waking him from his trance.

 

“Is Klaus still taking a bath?” She asked with a frown. “He isn’t in his room.”

 

Five blinks.

 

Two hours are too much for Klaus.

 

“I’ll go check on him,” he tells her, standing up and walking towards the bathroom.

 

There wasn’t anything he could feel. No coldness or his heart beating faster. Everything was normal.

 

Everything except the worries creeping in the back of his mind.

 

That morning, Klaus seemed to be more fidgety, more drawn back than usual. Five wrote it off as a bad day. He didn’t realize what a bad day could possibly indicate because he never had to worry about it.

 

Then he noticed that the door was closed.

 

His mind worked too fast.

 

Or maybe fast enough.

 

He got another key and opened the door.

 

Five didn’t call out for Klaus nor did he knock on the door first.

 

Because his mind always worked fast, and he knew that he couldn’t waste time.

 

Because something was wrong.

 

Because something happened.

 

Because he saw the pill bottle in his brother’s hands.

 

He saw Klaus’ chest rise and his wet hair.

 

_He must have taken a bath first._

 

_He must have…_

 

“Mom! Call an ambulance!”

 

Five was the one who found the body, and he can’t forget that pill bottle.

 

Five wants to forget.

 

Five doesn’t want to forget.

 

He’s not so sure anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter almost wouldn't have been posted today because I downloaded sims 4, and I made the siblings and Grace. I'm happy.


	3. Chapter 3

“Alright… I… I’ll be there.”

 

There are days when he’s extremely proud of himself, of the things he achieved, days when he’s happy, _good days_.

 

Then are days when he tells himself, that it’s been an okay day, despite all his personal failures, that it’ll get better – or maybe not – and it’s not the end, the _dull but okay days._

 

And then are the days he doesn’t want to remember as much. He hates those days, hates all his mistakes and flaws, everything that goes wrong, everything that burns and burns until nothing but ashes are left.

 

Today is one of those days.

 

Luther wants to go back to bed and sleep, wants to forget, but he can’t.

 

Instead, he packs his bag and books a train ride home.

 

Instead, he cannot forget the message he just got, his mother’s shaky voice and the crippling guilt in his chest.

 

First, he wonders who will tell Ben.

 

Then, he wonders if they even should tell him.

 

Lastly, a voice in the back of his mind reminds him that Ben’ll find out anyway.

 

Find out that his favorite sibling tried to commit suicide.

 

How the hell is one supposed to take such news?

 

To feel upon hearing that?

 

Luther’s detached right now, but he feels the chills creeping up his skin.

 

He knows the moment he sees his brother it all will come crashing down.

 

* * *

 

Diego is talking with Eudora, joking and teasing around, when he gets the damn call.

 

The call’s from his mother, so he takes it without hesitation, greeting her warmly. Eudora smiles at him.

 

He smiles back.

 

But then he drops it again, realizing what his mother just told him.

 

The words settle into his mind.

 

“W… what?”

 

Eudora seems to sense that something is wrong, a frown adorning her face.

 

After he ends the call he sits down on the couch.

 

“... Diego?”

 

“S-sorry… I…,” he stutters, unsure how to voice it out, “I… my b-brother…”

 

“Take your time to tell me or don’t tell me at all. It’s okay, Diego.”

 

The worst thing is that he wants to tell her, but he knows he can’t.

 

He was the one who never went back.

 

* * *

 

Allison thinks about it.

 

Earlier in life, she would have been shocked, maybe even horrified or disgusted.

 

Now, in the middle of her acting career, she knows better. She’s met and seen people, tired beyond what life offers them, tired beyond soft-spoken words or harshly yelled curses.

 

She’s seen people that stopped holding on, that screamed at others, that stole from others and stabbed others in the back.

 

So, when she gets the call, she’s calm.  

 

Because honestly, she feels guilty for it, but she has seen the gaze in his eyes, heard the words he said and held the hands that were shaking.

 

Allison has seen it coming, but she wrote it off, thought he must have gotten better at some point, that he had help.

 

“I’ll be there,” she mutters, unable to say anything else, unable to think.

 

The guilt is crushing her down.

 

* * *

 

No one wants to tell Ben.

 

Five is the one who calls him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, this story doesn't have an update schedule, and after failing with Dictionary of the Dead, it won't get one. 
> 
> But I can tell you, one chapter to two chapters per week should be expected. 
> 
> I hope the stars shine brightly for you!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope the stars shine brightly for you all.


End file.
